The Practice of Acceptance

There’s a lot of talk about accepting what is. And yet people say, how do I do that? How do I differentiate between accepting what is and changing it, accepting what is and allowing it to be exactly what it is?

And it’s different for everyone.

However, there is an alignment that we can all do that would help with that. So the first thing is to take the time to set your own space. Because if you’re going to accept what is, and it might be something you don’t want to accept, then don’t have a place where you’re going to do it, where somebody can walk in unannounced, where your phone can ring in the middle of it, where you can be distracted.

Make sure that as you sit to do this, and it’s something you can practice regularly, that you set a space where you’re uninterrupted, you’re comfortable, and you don’t have to rush to get to the end of it. And then think about what it is that you’re trying to accept.

For me, it was a diagnosis for my husband, for Tony. He was diagnosed with a very rare neurological condition for which there’s no research and there’s no treatment, but which means that he will gradually lose his ability to function as I’ve always known him.

Of course I didn’t want to accept it. Of course, I wanted it to be a mistake and that there would be somebody else that would turn around and say, no, no, no, this is all wrong and he’s going to recover and all’s going to be well. That’s not accepting it. That’s wishing for something else.

So think about the issue. Think about what it is that you are striving to accept because you’ll feel where your resistance is when you do that. And so for me, the first step was how much of what I’m being told is actually true? The doctor has said he has corticobasal syndrome. That’s a fact. The fact that there’s no research means that any recommendations or advice are simply recommendations and advice. They’re not facts. The truth is nobody knows how this is going to progress. So all I know is he has a condition that’s rare and that he’s going to deteriorate and that he will see himself deteriorate, as he has, as do his family and friends.

When you accept that, the next step is, so what am I resisting here?

For years, when I was younger, I wore rose-coloured spectacles. The hero always won. The cavalry always came over the hill at the last moment. Everything always ended happily ever after. So what I resisted was that part of me that wanted a happy ending, that knew it couldn’t have it if I accepted the diagnosis. I had to look at what I was prepared to give up, the belief in a happy ending, and look instead at what I could change that into that would help us both on the journey. And if I could accept it, what would it look like? It would mean that, yes, I might get upset or impatient. Tony might get frustrated. Mistakes would happen. Things would go wrong. But in accepting it, both of us would have peace of mind and peace of heart.

Tony’s not quite there yet and that’s understandable because he doesn’t know what’s going to happen to him. I believe I’m there and then something happens and it shows me that I’m not quite there yet either. But at least in recognising where I’m at in my level of acceptance, I can see what I can do to bring about a happy ending during the situation before he gets to the point where he doesn’t know who I am, he doesn’t know who he is, and he doesn’t know what’s happening to him.

So acceptance says there’s going to come a point beyond which a happy ending isn’t possible except the ending that I don’t want to face, which is the loss of Tony.

So what becomes possible when I accept this? And here’s where it’s truly beautiful. What becomes possible is that instead of looking at the end, I look at the journey. I look at what do I want for him? I don’t want him to go into care. I want him to be at home as long as he possibly can be. And that means to look at what measures can be put into place that will assist him. Because he’s lost his ability to take care of himself already. It’s very fast. And in putting those measures into place, in having the support that means that he is taken care of, even when I’m not there to do it, I have peace of mind and I have peace of heart. And he has somebody new to talk to, to tell the stories that he remembers to.

So for Tony, it’s a new friend that he’s meeting. It’s a new journey that he’s on. And for me, it’s knowing that I’m doing the best that I can in a challenging situation. Do I wish it was different? Of course I do. It’s not different.

And sometimes the only way we can go through a challenge is to accept that it’s there in the first place. If you’re going through a challenge, I wish you well.